Twitarditis: A New Disease?
by your.daily.dose.of.fanfic
Summary: A handy guide to surviving the brain-melting, IQ-minimizing pandemic that is sweeping the globe. WARNING: Very Anti-Twilight
1. Contents

_*DISCLAIMER*_

_This has been done purely for the fun of it however, it doesn't change the fact that I really hate Twilight. If you LOVE Twilight, if you WORSHIP Stephenie Meyer, and if you want to MARRY Twilight, then I suggest you do not read on because you will get offended._

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**TWITARDITIS: A NEW DISEASE?**

* * *

Near the beginning of the new millennium, in the year 2006, the world saw the beginning of a new pandemic. So fierce and hazardous was this brain-wasting disease that it swept through countries in a mere few weeks, leaving a trail of death, destruction and low IQ in its wake. Six years later, the disease has grown more powerful and more destructive, manifesting itself in new forms such as movies and t-shirts, infecting innocent individuals each and every day. This disease must be stopped.

This handy guide can help you and your loved ones survive through the pandemic.

**CONTENTS:**

1. An introduction to Twitarditis: - _We inform you about the danger and severity of this disease._

2. Symptoms of Twitarditis: - _We show you how to effectively detect Twitarditis._

3. How to protect yourself against Twitarditis: - _How you can protect yourself and your loved ones against this disease._

4. Preventing the spread of Twitarditis: - _How you can limit, or even stop, the spread of Twitarditis._

5. Treatments and Cures for Twitarditis: - _Treatments or cures for a person who has been diagnosed with this disease._

6. F.A.Q: _Frequently Asked Questions about this new disease._


	2. An Introduction to Twitarditis

**AN INTRODUCTION TO TWITARDITIS**

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We are uncertain about the exact origins of this disease but it is believed that this disease evolved shortly after a talentless writer named Stephenie Meyer managed to get her crappy vampire love story published thus, plunging the entire literate human population into a cavern filled with the shit that is the_Twilight Saga_.

The _Twilight Saga_ has been discovered to be the cause of a highly infectious and severe mental disease called _Twitarditis intelligenceloweritis_, or_ Twitarditis _for short. 7 out of 10 people who have watched or read the _Twilight Saga_ have shown symptoms of this debilitating disease. The disease manifests itself in different forms including, but not limited to: shitty books, shitty movies, shitty merchandise, and shitty FanFiction (eg. _Fifty Shades of Grey_). By reading this, you will be informed on how to effectively protect yourself and your loved ones from this horrible, wasting disease.

_Twitarditis _can, in fact, cause the severe mental decline in previously normal and sane people. People who have been diagnosed with _Twitarditis _are known as_Twitards_ and have been known to act in an uncivilized manner towards people who hold opinions towards the _Twilight Saga_ that are different from their own. In extreme cases, _Twitards_ have been known to physically attack anyone who shows even the slightest hate towards their beloved _Twilight Saga_. Though most of these _Twitards_ are adolescent females, there are records of bored housewives being afflicted with the disease, and the occasional male who is most likely gay.


	3. Symptoms

**SYMPTOMS OF TWITARDITIS**

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Fortunately for everyone on the planet, the symptoms of this terrible disease are very easy to identify and detect in afflicted individuals. Analyse yourself, or your loved ones, to see if you or they have contracted _Twitarditis_. Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

- Constantly raving about the _Twilight Saga_

- Desperately wishing that the characters of Twilight were real

- Having a strong desire to marry characters from the book.

- Having uncontrollable anger towards people with different opinions about the _Twilight Saga_ to their own.

- Developing a lack of correct grammar/spelling or developing increased illiteracy

- Having a strong resistance to logic

- Having a decline in intelligence, common sense, and rationality

- Being highly sensitive to proper literature


	4. How to Protect Yourself

**HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST TWITARDITIS**

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_Twitarditis_ is an ever-spreading pandemic, and the last thing we need on this planet is for you, fellow reader, to catch this terrible disease. It would be in your best interests, and the best interests of others, for you to take certain precautions in order to prevent yourself from catching this disease:

- Read the books objectively. That alone is enough to make one vomit in disgust.

- Read a proper vampire book ( Stoker's_ Dracula_). If _The Twilight Saga _has put you off vampires forever, read another proper book (ie. J.R.R Tolkien's _The Lord of the Rings_ _Trilogy_, J.K Rowling's_ Harry Potter Series_, or Fitzgerald's _The Great Gatsby_).

- Imbed in your mind the fact that Twilight is total and utter shit, and was written by a talentless, bored housewife with zero imagination.

- DO NOT WATCH THE MOVIE!The more exposure you have to this crap, the more chances of you contracting _Twitarditis_.

- Do not give in to the constant ravings of a _Twitard_.

It is crucial that you follow ALL of these precautions regularly until the pandemic has passed. If you do, you may as well survive the pandemic unharmed.


	5. Preventing the Spread

**PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF TWITARDITIS**

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Although _Twitarditis_ has infected many people, there are still a few people who have not been affected. A responsible member of society would not only protect themselves, but also those around them. You too can be a responsible person and help the few, sane people who have not been infected by the disease. You can help these people by engaging in a logical, anti-Twilight conversation with them.

Here are a few things to get your conversation started:

"_Have you heard that Twilight promotes necrophilia, bestiality, sexism and is a bad example to children?"_

"_Twilight is actually a poorly-written book. It's plotless and filled with purple prose."_

"Twilight f_angirls are annoying and need to be detained."_

"_In my day, we were scared of vampires, not sparkling faggots..."_

"_I believe that Stephanie Meyer is a completely talentless writer and just created a stupid fad."_

As long as your conversation contains some logical basis on why Twilight sucks, you might as well save one innocent brain from years of damage. Remember, extreme illogical hate is the same as extreme illogical fandom. You must be above the Twitards.


	6. Treatments and Cures

**TREATMENTS AND CURES FOR TWITARDITIS**

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Do you have a really annoying sibling who won't stop talking about Twilight? Do you have a friend who is depressed because Edward doesn't exist? Do you feel as if you are slowly being infected with _Twitarditis_? We understand your plight and are willing to help you.

Below is a list of are some treatments and cures for this horrible, wasting disease that have been proven to be effective and completely safe.

- DO NOT LET YOURSELF OR THE PATIENT READ WATCH TWILIGHT AGAIN.

- Constantly remind the yourself or the patient that Edward Cullen (or any character for that matter) is not actually f***ing real and never will be.

- Do not get depressed that the characters are not real. It is stupid.

- Get a proper life. DO NOT dump your boyfriends because they are not like Edward. It is stupid.

- Stay away or have the patient stay away from people infected with _Twitarditis_. They may pass on more evolved and powerful strains of _Twitarditis _to you or the patient thus, making the disease worse than it already is.

- Take your mind or the patient's mind away from Twilight.

This list of remedies and cures will cure a person of _Twitarditis_ if used for a long time however, they will not bring back any lost brain cells due to the disease. Prevention is the best course of action (See: _Preventing the Spread_) since there have been many documented cases of victims of _Twitarditis _suffering from permanent mental retardation.


	7. FAQ

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

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**Q) How in the hell did Stephenie Meyer make so much money from that pile of shit?**

A) As long as there are stupid people on this earth, untalented people like Stephenie Meyer will always become rich.

**Q) I've tried all the cures but none of them are working! What should I do?**

A) I am sorry. It is too late. The only thing you can do is wait for the pandemic to pass, and hope that your intelligence can recover and become strong enough to combat the disease by itself.

**Q) The Twitards won't listen to my logical explanations! What do I do?**

A) Given the fact that _Twitards_ are in the later stages of _Twitarditis_, they are most likely immune to logical explanations and will never listen to anything intelligent. I suggest you just ignore them. _Twitarditis _is highly contagious and you might catch their disease.

**Q) OMG!1! I LuVV TwiiLiGHT!1! DiEEeE BiiAAATcchH!11!**

A) STFU and get a life.


End file.
